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Kailanman

August 23, 2012

“Di ko alam kung ba’t nandito ka pa.” Walang pag-aalinlangan kong sinabi sa mukha mo habang binuksan ko ang pintuan. “Umalis kana, please.”

I mean, wala akong idinulot na mabuti sa buhay mo. Ika nga ng iba, akong ‘yung taong makakasakit sa’yo nang di ko nalalaman. Pero tinitigan mo lang ako ng may luha sa iyong mga mata.

“Kung ako sayo, ngayon palang, iiwan ko na ako.” Di parin natitinag ang iyong mga mata.

“Pinapatawad na kita, everyone deserves a second chance.” Wow, ‘di ko talaga lubos maisip kung ano ang magiging reaksyon ko sa mga salitang ‘yun. Gusto kong tangapin pero alam kong nabubulag-bulagan kalang sa katotohanan. Gulo lang naman ang dala ko sa buhay mo simula ng nagkakilala tayo. Pero pilit mo paring winawaksi sa isipan mo ang katotohanang wala na akong pag-asa.

Oo, umibig ka sa pinakamasahul na paraan. Umibig ka sa isang taong walang direksyon sa buhay. Kaya ngayon magigising ka nalang na huli na ang lahat, ‘di kana makaalis dahil naging parte na ako ng buhay mo.

Pero bilib din naman ako sayo. Kasi, tulad ng sinabi mo, makikita mo ang kulay na bumabalot sa dilim ng aking pagkatao. Nakikita mo ang lahat ng ngiti sa malungkot kong mukha. Kaya hanggang ngayon ‘di ka parin nawawalan ng pag-asa na akoy magbabago.

“Walang sisihan dahil sinasabi ko sayo kung naghahanap ka ng langit, hindi ‘yun sa tabi ko.” Kasi kapag ‘di ka umalis ngayon ‘di na kita pakakawalan kailanman.

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Random: on life, work and politics

August 22, 2012

You’re in the seed of Metropolis where all sorts of urban dynamism came to mind. I cant help but sigh when I can see all these stuff being sported with flashy tags and lines. Seems like everything had a price, even the air I breathe. I’m not sounding like Jessie J when I’m saying this. I dont have her bangs.

This is the city that enslaved me. All the sitting, tapping and scrolling that I do made sense, ’cause that’s the value of my work. Tweaking people’s mind to embrace this certain brand. But despite of my busy environment, I can still manage to conjure circles of smoke in my mouth. Yes, I can be stylish in my dimly-lit office. Style is the one that made me workaholic afterall.

Even now, I can’t afford to do all the pointless necessities. I have a lifestyle that is hard to keep up. But what I can afford to reckon with is this goverment that I, myself, considered synthetic. I mean I’m paying 12 percent VAT in every condoms that I buy cause they keep on strangling that RH Bill in their vault.

I think the only representative that might have voted YES to that RH Bill is Lolong. So please bring him back to his natural habitat! Bring him back to Congress! But that would be a profound insanity.

Alapaap, Emo Version

August 20, 2012
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Ngayong bumalik ka na galing alapaap,
Dala ang mga bagong sibol na ngiti sa iyong mga pisngi.
Mga ngiting nagsasabing tama ka nga, mas mabuting pinalaya kita.
Pero tunay ba ang mga kislap sa ‘yung mga mata?
Ang mismong mga kislap na nawala sa aking pagkatao nang umalis ka.
 
Para sa’yo ako yaong taong di marunung lumipad para makita ang buong mundo.
Pero habang lumilipad ka,
Nakita mo ba ako sa ibaba na parang asong nahihintay para saluhin ka?
O baka nakita mo lang ang lahat ng gusto mong makita?
 
Sige nga, sabihin mo kung talagang sumisikat ang araw sa dako roon.
Sabihin mo kung paano ikinagagalak ng buwan ang kanyang paglubog sa umaga.
O sige na, I kwento mo kung may nakita ka bang bituin?
Yaong walang kupas ang ningning.
At ‘di natitinag ang kislap sa ihip ng hangin sa iyong paningin.
 
At nahanap mo ba talaga ang sarili mo,
Habang naghahanap ako ng dahilan sa hinihingi mong espasyo.
Kasi di tulad ng sinasabi mo,
Hanggang ngayon di ko parin ako naniniwala na namiss moko,
 
Habang hinahanap mo ang sarili mo sa alapaap.

You, me and Dana

August 20, 2012

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“Hey Chino, where’ve you been? Seems like you had a blast!”

You greeted me while I take off my sneakers, then you gave me my green Havs.

“Just fine, she called me…we hang out.”

“Who? Dana, your ex? Hah!”

“Yah….said she broke up with that brat. She asked to talk about it over coffee. So, just for old friends’ sake, I said yes.”

“Hmmm, of all people why you? Can’t she talk ‘bout it with her girl friends?”

“No idea, maybe she missed me, the last time we saw each other was in my last birthday….”

“The day you broke up! So what did you talked about? Did she say hi to me?

You were too excited about the details but I was dragging it somehow, “Yah, somewhat. I don’t know, she reminded me that I forgot to show up in her debut. And you know what’s funny? She asked me why I haven’t given her a call after the breakup.”

“Maybe she wasn’t over you yet.”

You told me with a grin. “And she gave me the details why they broke up…kind of weird. Don’t ask me again it’s a long story.”

“Uhmm, somehow did it felt like you were back into each others’ arms once again?”

You teased me but I shut you, giving you the leave-me-alone signal like I always you. “Uhhh, shut up…need to fix myself. Go back to sleep now.”

“Muling ibalik ang tamis ng pag-,”

You tried to tease me again but I threw a pillow in your face.

“Ouch! That hurts!

You looked like hitting back but you looked at me in the eye instead.

Maybe you’ve noticed that I’m not in the mood for a little pep talk. It’s just when I look into your eyes, I can’t help but remember my happy moments with Dana…makes me realize that I still love her. I still need her. I have to admit that I was deeply hurt when she dumped me.

Yet, I want to believe in everything that she said…want to hold her tight while she was crying in front of me earlier. I want to say that I love her but I can’t. My pride won’t allow me. And you know that very well.

Maybe I’ll talk this over with you but not tonight…I’m sleepy now. I promised to answer all your questions tomorrow…when I stand in front of the mirror again.

Sa Coffee Shop, kung saan libre ang Break-Up

May 4, 2012

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“Sa akin mo na isisi ang lahat, syempre sa’kin lang.” Nakaupo ka sa aking harapan pero nakatingin ka sa labas na coffee shop habang sinasabi ko sayo ang aking nararamdaman.

Palaging busy, palaging may appointment. Alam kong di ka pa nakarining ng mga linyang mas marami pang gasgas kaysa shades na nagkukubli sa mga namamaga mong mga mata.

Oo, gasgas na nga ang mga linya ko, ‘di ko pa masabi sa’yo ng diretso. Sino ba naman ako para magsabing ‘di na nakakabuti para sa’tin ang mga nangyayari?

“Sorry, It’s not you, it’s me,” Kaya nga humihingi ako ng tawad ngayon…patawad sa lahat. Sinayang ko ang lahat, lalo na ang oras mo. Syempre hindi ko inakalang mangyayari ‘to…di ganun kabilis.

“I’m not blaming you, may kasalanan din naman ako. I know we can fix this”

Tama ba ang narinig ko? Eh di mabuti, pero ‘di madaling paniwalaan na magbabago tayong dalawa. ‘Di na siguro sa pagkakataon ito… ‘di sa larong ito. ‘Wag na nating isugal ang mga sarili natin. Alam naman nating matatalo rin tayo sa larong ‘di natin alam pareho kung paano laruin.

“Neither of us deserves the blame.” Pinagtakpan mo na naman ako. Kaya nga siguro kita nagustuhan noon, pero sayang, sa ganito rin pala mauuwi ang lahat.

“Sige, ibibigay ko na ng libre ang sisi sa’yo, libre ko rin namang nakuha ‘yun para quits nalang tayo.” Ang lalim ‘nun pero sa mga panahong iyon, ‘yun ang nasa isipan ko.

“Pero dapat libre din ang kape ko ha?” At ako’y iyong nginitian. Kahit papaano, nabawasan na ang tinik sa aking dibdib. Alam kong magiging maayos ang lahat simula dito.

Isang Junk Food lang ang Katapat

September 9, 2011

Wow Boy Bagwa! Thanks!

3PM, Joke time. At natatawa rin ako sa sarili ko ngayon dahil pinipilit kong magsulat sa Filipino. Yes, binabalik ko na (well, hindi naman talaga lubusan, pero…I’m trying).

Di ko akalaing tatatak ang pangalang ‘yun sakin. Isang pangalang lumabas sa aking bibig sa kalagitnaan ng tawanan ng mga magkakatrabaho sa isang engineering firm. Pangalang ‘di mo akalaing nanggaling pala sa isang junk food na pinagsasaluhan habang nagkukulitan sa break time. At kahit anung pilit pa ang gawin ko, ‘di ko talagang maikakaila na ang pagbasa ko sa “Boy Bawang” ay “Boy Bagwa”. Alam kong tumatawa ka ngayon, natawa rin ako sa sarili ko noong mga panahong ‘yon. Kasi alam kong “Boy Bawang” namang talaga ang nasa isip ko pero bakit “Boy Bagwa” ang nasabi ko.

Sa mga panahon kasing ‘yon may iba akong iniisip. Iniisip ko kung paano ko maibabalik ang pagsusulat ko ng Filipino. Matagal narin kasi akong di nakakasulat ng Tagalog. Sa katunayan, namulat ako sa pagsusulat gamit ang wikang Filipino. Hindi ko lang alam, sa dami na ng naisulat ko…bakit ‘di ko namalayang nailayo ko na pala ang sarili ko sa pagsusulat gamit nito. Dati kasi pinipilit kong kalimutan ang pagsulat sa Filipino para mahasa ko ang pagsusulat ko ng Ingles. Sa katunayan, naging epektibo naman. Pero napagisip-isip ko na mali pala ang paniniwalang iyon.

Sinasabi ko sa sarili ko na kaya kong pagsabayin ang dalawa. Isang pagsubok na kailangan kong lampasan para mapagtibay ang aking kaalaman sa sining ng pagsusulat. Kaya ngayon, ako’y nagbabalik bilang si Boy Bagwa. Parang Junk Food ang tunog ng pangalan, pero sa naman hindi junk ang akin naisusulat.

Maturity Comes Like a Thief in the Night

August 15, 2011

I was thinking that this gift is my symbol for maturity.

It takes a big gulp of maturity to accept that all things that we want will not always be a piece of cake to achieve. Right now, (though I think It’s kinda late) I’m in the stage of my life wherein I bid my teenage fantasies goodbye and accept what the fierce world has to offer.
The turning point was when I received a text message from my supervisor saying that our Manager died in a cardiac arrest with the promising age of 42, leaving her two pre-teen children to her loving husband (39). She’s was, well, a good friend and an excellent leader to everyone.
That made me realize that death is like a thief in the night, you will not know when it’ll strike. You will not know how much it would take from you. I won’t even know if I’ll still be alive when I walked out of the office. So now, I’m trying to patch things up in my life; realizing that an hour of extension in playing online games is like preempting a year of my life here on Earth. AndI was thinking that my infamous “Palos-Uli” attitude seems to be disturbing to others and to me. So, I’ll be more sincere (now) and…(hell yeah this may sound like a new year’s resolution but please bear with me but,)… I’ll be mature now.
Maturity that’s in line with setting priorities, putting up personal goals, and (I think) laying out my “road” in life. Maturity in treating decisions like it’s the most vital ingredient in the recipe of success. Maturity in valuing friends as puzzle-pieces of life. I know, I’m not in the crossroads of my life right now. When that time comes, I’ll be prepared to face those things that’ll yet to come.
To Ma’am Zhen, wherever you are, I’m always praying for your eternal repose. I’m very grateful to have you as my leader, my friend and my inspiration for success. You’ll always be present in our prayers and memories.

P.S., as I write this letter. I had this song on the background.
If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh, uh oh

Lord make me a rainbow, I’ll shine down on my mother
She’ll know I’m safe with you when she stands under my colors, oh and
Life ain’t always what you think it ought to be, no
Ain’t even grey, but she buries her baby

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

And I’ll be wearing white, when I come into your kingdom
I’m as green as the ring on my little, cold finger, I’ve
Never known the lovin’ of a man
But it sure felt nice when he was holding my hand, there’s a
Boy here in town who says he’ll love me forever,
Who would have thought forever could be severed by
The sharp knife of a short life, well,
I’ve had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls
What I never did is done

A penny for my thoughts, oh no, I’ll sell them for a dollar
They’re worth so much more after I’m a goner
And maybe then you’ll hear the words I been singin’
Funny when you’re dead how people start listenin’

If I die young, bury me in satin
Lay me down on a, bed of roses
Sink me in the river, at dawn
Send me away with the words of a love song

Uh oh (uh, oh)
The ballad of a dove (uh, oh)
Go with peace and love
Gather up your tears, keep ’em in your pocket
Save them for a time when you’re really gonna need them, oh

The sharp knife of a short life, well
I’ve had, just enough time

So put on your best boys and I’ll wear my pearls